For doctorweevil

[allthewonders]

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Toshiko closes the door behind her, stumbles to the nearest piece of soft furniture, tells herself she won't sleep. Then she actually lies down on the sofa, spends a while getting comfortable - the sofa's too short to stretch out and it hurts too much to curl up, so she ends up hooking her knees over an armrest and letting her feet dangle - and almost immediately passes out.

She sleeps the deep, dreamless sleep of the utterly exhausted until she's woken by a beeping from her laptop. Panicky adrenaline floods her veins, painfully stripping away the last few pleasant dregs of sleep, and she forgets everything - sitting up carelessly puts strain on her injuries, and then she reaches for her glasses with her broken wrist. However long she's slept, it's drained the analgesics from her system. Pain makes everything sharp and blurry all at once. And after all that, it's not a Rift alert sounding but the all-clear she programmed in - a signifier that twenty-four hours have passed without any activity outside normal parameters.

The temptation is to slump back down and sleep for another few - days - but she feels refreshed enough to be getting on with. Painkillers, coffee, check on Owen? No, that's never going to work. Check on Owen first. She inches her way to her feet.

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[doctorweevil]

In the end, what wakes Owen up is the urge to take care of certain bodily functions. While he can't say he's ever been relieved by having to piss before, he does, in a strange way, welcome the reminder of the fact that he's alive, and that his body's working the way it's meant to.

Well. Sort of. His legs protest when he tries to put weight on them, and he finds himself gripping Tosh's bedside table and praying he doesn't collapse before he manages to locate the toilet. There's no logical reason for him to be this weak, but, then again, there's no logical reason for him to be alive at all. He takes one step, then another, one hand against the wall to brace himself. Owen's too damn proud to ask for help with anything, but especially not this.

Thankfully, he gets to the bathroom and takes care of everything without incident; he's just making his wobbly way back to bed when Tosh comes in. "What a pair we make," he snorts with a wry, self-deprecating smile. "One invalid taking care of another."

[allthewonders]

Toshiko smiles balefully and leans against the doorframe. Eventually she knows she'll need to contact the Hub, speak to Jack, get a status report from Gwen, find out if there's anything she can do remotely...but not yet.

"How are you feeling? I've got - painkillers. Coffee. Toast."

Toshiko's three food groups. Three of the four. The other (white wine) isn't ideal for mid-morning.

[doctorweevil]

"Coffee and toast would be brilliant," he tells her as he sinks back onto the bed, dangling his legs over the side. For once, his gratitude is evident in his voice; if there's one thing that occupied his thoughts almost constantly while he was undead, it's eating and drinking (even more than sex). As far as Owen's concerned, it's never too early (or too late) for alcohol - in fact, getting pissed is currently right at the top of his to do list, along with eating something that isn't toast, and having a wank or five. But he'll settle for whatever Tosh can provide.

"I'm- all right, I suppose." Owen shrugs. He's not all right, but he doesn't know precisely what's wrong, either. Maybe his body just needs time to recover. "What about you? I'd like to take a look whenever you change the dressings, if you don't mind." Not that he doesn't trust Jack's work, he just wants to make sure she's all right.

[allthewonders]

"I don't. Mind, I mean." She can't really say no to him. It's not as if he hasn't looked over her injuries before, albeit in situations that were less -- fraught. Than this. "Um. The hot water's on, if you want to shower later."

She just hovers for a moment; she has no idea what to say to him. Well, she knows what she wants to say, what a Toshiko more confident and self-possessed and less terrified of rejection would say -

Some things have been said recently, and I think you still think it was the stress of the situation talking, but it wasn't. At least not in the way that you think it was. And I think we should talk about it like adults.

- but the Toshiko she actually is is the one she has to live with. And that Toshiko doesn't ever think they're going to have that conversation. Instead they're eventually going to fall back the way it was, the teasing and the awkwardness and the lulls when one of them oversteps the mark (visible only when crossed). Owen's going to keep picking up strangers in bars and Toshiko's going to keep buying batteries, because her encounters with actual people never end well, and that's just - fine. It has to be. That's the thing about reality, she concludes, it doesn't have satisfying resolutions. Real life just...keeps going.

"I'll be back in a minute," she says meekly, and retreats toward the kitchen.

[doctorweevil]

The thing about Owen is that, perhaps against his will, he's changed over time. As much as he'd like to be the same hedonistic asshole he's always been, the mask he's worn to keep people away ever since Katie died, it's simply not true anymore. Diane had made him remember that there could be more than empty, meaningless shagging, and though he hadn't given it up entirely (shit, he still had needs, didn't he?), as he'd told Tosh, it just wasn't him anymore. And then he'd died, and- well, dead men can't fuck. And somehow, in the entire stupid process, he'd managed to let Tosh in, let her get closer than he'd wanted.

So now he's not sure what the hell to do about her. She's a friend, possibly the only damn friend he has, and Owen's quite convinced that she deserves better than him, and she definitely deserves better than any clusterfuck of a relationship he might attempt to have. The very thought of it fucking terrifies him; Owen knows that when he falls, he falls fast and hard, and losing the few people he lets himself care for-

He's not sure he could survive it a third time. So it's selfish cowardice that keeps him dancing around the subject now.

He watches Tosh leave, feeling a little guilty for making her wait on him. She's the one who ought to be in bed, and yet she's fetching him toast and coffee. Hopefully this bloody weakness won't last long, because he's already tired of imposing on Tosh. He wants to be back in his own flat, by himself, without any goddamn invisible elephants in the room.

[allthewonders]

Toshiko goes through the motions mechanically: kettle on, butter out to soften, toast in toaster, ground coffee in cafetiere (because she'll be damned if the first thing she offers Owen is instant). Then she just leans against the counter and breathes.

She knows Owen has changed. Diane, his death, his resurrection; they've changed him. Their relationship - their friendship, she feels she can call it now for the first time - is more intimate and more honest now than it ever was. They've talked about things she never thought Owen would trust her with. Promises have been made. He's changed.

But she doesn't think that precludes the possibility of him changing back, or of getting close to her and recoiling when he's reminded of how fucked up and useless she is when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Fear holds her in place. She can't trust that this is the new normal. She doesn't know that she ever will.

Water in cafetiere. Butter knife; plates. She raises her voice; "Do you want milk and sugar?"

She knows how he takes his coffee from day to day but this is an unusual morning.

[doctorweevil]

"Black," he calls back, then decides that fuck it, he really shouldn't get crumbs in Tosh's bed. Just because she might let him walk all over her doesn't mean he has to take advantage of it. Besides, he can make it as far as the kitchen, right? Right.

Putting one foot in front of the other has never been so challenging before. It's like his brain has suddenly forgotten something it's known how to do for nearly thirty years; every step is treacherous, and he needs something to hold onto. But he gets there, slowly but surely, just as the toast pops up in the toaster.

(Fuck, he hates feeling as weak and useless as a newborn baby. Is that the price he has to pay for being alive again? If so, then it's still worth it, but that doesn't mean he has to like it.)

"I thought you could use the company," he explains as he leans against the counter, trying to look casual and hide the amount of effort simply walking into the kitchen takes. Which means, basically, that he's realised he shouldn't be a prick and make her wait on him hand and foot, but he's hardly going to come out and say that.

[allthewonders]

He doesn't need to. Even though Toshiko's quietly a little startled by the demonstration of selflessness on his part.

(If he's changed he can change back. If he's changed he can change back. If he's changed - )

"Thank you." She makes a start on buttering their toast; there's enough for two, even though she hasn't decided whether or not she's going to eat any herself. "...I haven't heard from the Hub. I think we might have been put on such leave."

[doctorweevil]

"I'd bloody well put you on sick leave," Owen offers helpfully. Whether or not he's actually being helpful is debatable, but he does mean it. She'd be dragging herself into work otherwise, and she doesn't need to be doing anything to exacerbate her injuries. She's got a broken wrist, a cracked rib, and a chest wound, and all of those combined means that, as far as his professional opinion concerned, field duty can go shove itself for a few weeks.

As for himself? That's unclear, but Owen suspects he's on indefinite leave again till they have a decent idea as to whether or not he's possessed, mutated, or anything else that might potentially pose a hazard to the rest of them. Or, hell, just till he can stand on his own two bloody feet without support.

[allthewonders]

"Well. I suppose that makes it official, then," Toshiko says, chirpier than she feels. She offers a plate of toast out to him. "Here."

It feels like an inadequate meal to break the fast of his waking death, but it's the best she can do. Unsurprisingly, Toshiko's fridge and cupboards are bare of everything except the basics; she's learnt better than to think she's going to be eating at home enough to bother with regular grocery shopping.

...I am so sorry for Owen's toastgasm

[doctorweevil]

Of all the meals he'd fantasized about eating while he was dead, toast isn't exactly at the top of his list, but he still takes the plate gladly. The smell of food has reminded him that not only is he alive, but he hasn't had anything to eat for more than twenty-four hours, and he'd probably eat cardboard if given the chance.

As it turns out, he's probably lucky that it is something as mild and dull as toast, because he can barely handle it as it is. Just being able to taste something - anything - brings him nearly to the brink of tears (way too embarrassing with Tosh right there next to him). Normally, he wouldn't give toast a second thought, but right now, it's goddamn ambrosia to him, the melted butter mingling with the bread. A noise that's not quite appropriate for mixed company (or any company at all) slips out before he can catch it, jarring him out of his toast-induced reverie, and he opens eyes he doesn't even realise he closed.

"Uh," is all he can manage to say at first, and then he swallows his bite of toast. "Sorry 'bout that." While he's normally fairly shameless about- well, everything, practically having an orgasm over a fucking piece of toast - and, what's more, doing it in front of Tosh - is almost embarrassing enough to make even him blush.

why would you ever be sorry for that

[allthewonders]

Toshiko blinks several times, and then she can't suppress the lopsided little smile that tugs at the corners of her mouth.

"No need. Would you and your breakfast like some time alone?"

[doctorweevil]

He pulls a face at her, his nose wrinkling in mock annoyance, but in truth, he's more relieved by the banter than anything. It gives him something refreshingly normal to cling to in an increasingly weird situation.

At one time, he might've made a remark about how she ought to stay because it's the only opportunity she'd ever get to hear him make noises like that, but- he can't be that deliberately cruel to her, not anymore. (Mostly.) Instead, he retorts with, "You mean you don't want to make a threesome of it? Foursome, I suppose, if you include the coffee. Which I definitely would."

[doctorweevil]

Owen's finally at a point where he doesn't spend most of the day asleep - which is good from a medical standpoint, because he still hasn't figured out what the hell could possibly be wrong with him, but bad because it means that he and Tosh spend more time awkwardly dancing around each other and pretending they aren't trying to avoid conversation or- well, anything else.

He spends most of his time with his laptop, idly surfing the internet or playing video games. Now that he doesn't need to sleep, he's found that he doesn't much want to; he's still plagued by nightmares, the same thing every time. It's easier to deal with during the day, when Tosh is likely to be doing something elsewhere in the flat, when daylight can help him push his fears away. At night, though- nighttime is different, and so he's up well after midnight, not even really paying attention to what's on the screen in front of him anymore, just trying to stay awake to keep the night terrors at bay.

[allthewonders]

Toshiko has been managing as best she can.

Really, without genuine work to do she feels like she's going a little mad. Gwen's thrown a few crumbs her way, hacks she can run from her laptop, but it's too easy to demand actual effort. It swallows up some of the time, but not enough, and she finds herself wasting her time online and watching daytime TV. It's shameful. She'd give an arm and a leg to be back at the Hub, but Jack is still - for whatever reason - saying no.

So over the course of the day they kill time, and overnight, they share a bed for the few hours they can actually spend asleep.

Midnight comes and goes. For whatever reason, Toshiko is incapable of sleeping when she can see the light radiating from a screen.

"Owen," she murmurs from her side of the bed. "It's almost one."

And she hates pointing it out. It feels unutterably selfish, when she knows what it is he's taking shelter from in the glow of the screen.

[doctorweevil]

1 AM isn't even that late for Owen; even before Torchwood, he'd been inclined to stay up till the wee hours of the morning, getting just enough sleep to function (most of the time). And it's certainly not late when he's just spent the entire day lazing about anyway, or so he tells himself.

He thinks for a moment about just taking the laptop into the living room and just leaving Tosh to sleep, but he knows that if he did that, there's a chance Tosh would follow him and give him one of those concerned looks. They aren't as bad as Gwen's looks, the 'do you want to talk about it, Owen?' sort (one of the reasons why he'd thrown her over), but strangely guilt-inducing nonetheless. So he closes the laptop and sets it down somewhere safe, then lies back and stares at the ceiling. Maybe he can manage this for a few hours. Maybe sleep won't be that bad. Maybe.

He's quiet for several minutes, listening to the nighttime silence of the flat, to the sound of Tosh breathing on the other side of the bed. "Tosh?" he says finally. He doesn't know if she's still awake. Maybe she isn't, and then he won't have to worry about an answer to his question. "Why me?" It sounds like a rhetorical, self-pitying question, and it might be from anyone else. But it's not at all.

[allthewonders]

It'd be easy to pretend to be asleep. Almost as easy to play dumb. She's almost certain that if she asks him to explain what he means, he'll just give up and roll over and they can share the silence until one of them loses consciousness. It's not that late for her either, by the standards of a normal work day - she'll happily sit in front of the TV until two or three if she doesn't want to risk thinking - but it's not a normal work day, and her injuries are tiring her out. She'd forgotten how much energy is consumed by healing, by pain.

Exhaustion makes her vulnerable. She feels like the shell she wears is crazed all over, like an egg about to hatch, or (more apt) a piece of porcelain about to shatter. She wouldn't even really want to discuss the weather, never mind - this.

The silence stretches out, not quite long enough to let him ask again or assume she's gone to sleep.

"I don't know," she says.

It's not entirely true. When Owen first started - walking wounded, hollowed out with grief - she'd fallen for him like lonely single women fall for injured stray animals. Someone she could heal, someone she could help, someone with a hole in his heart she could fill with her own frustrated love. He became the focus of emotions that she had no other outlet for. It wasn't like she had the social skills to just go out, let men buy her drinks, have one-night stands or go on dates like a normal person. He became the heart of her emotional sphere, without knowing it, and every so often he'd send the slightest scrap of affection her way that made her think that it could maybe, someday, be reciprocated.

As he recovered on his own - untidily, like a bone healing without being set - she should have come to her senses and gotten over him. But she didn't.

[doctorweevil]

"Bullshit," he retorts, perhaps a little sharper than is necessary, barking a bitter laugh. If there's one truth Owen's known about himself from his childhood, it's that he's not a loveable person. (Maybe if he was, maybe if he'd been cute and endearing like a normal child, things might have been different for him.) He's embraced it over the years, honed it, used it to wall himself off from anyone who might otherwise give a fuck about him.

And that's why he doesn't understand why Tosh has persisted in her affections for him. She could have chosen anyone else, someone who might have given her even the smallest chance of happiness. But she's clung to him like a vine wrapping around a stone, even when he's tried his hardest to push her away, when he's done all but fuck other women in front of her. Even broken and fucked up as she is, it doesn't make any sense to him.

[allthewonders]

Toshiko just shrugs, the gesture awkward when she's lying horizontal.

"Does it matter? Knowing why wouldn't make it go away," she points out quietly, a truth she's been doing battle with for almost the entirety of their acquaintance. "Why are you asking?"

[doctorweevil]

He's not sure why he's asking. It's been weighing on his mind while he's been staying with her. Nobody else would be willing to tolerate him for so long, not under normal circumstances, and not when being cooped up like this makes him want to be even more snappish than usual. (The old adage that doctors make the worst patients certainly holds true for Owen.)

"Curiosity," he says finally. "Wanting to fuck me, I can understand. It's the other that doesn't make any sense."

[allthewonders]

Toshiko scoffs. "Good to hear your ego hasn't taken any blows, Owen."

She falls silent for a while.

"Have you always known? Exactly why?"

[doctorweevil]

"You'd probably be more worried about me if it had." Besides, it's the truth. Owen knows how to manipulate women, how to make them want him. It's not the sort of thing anyone would be proud of - not the sort of thing Owen is necessarily proud of - but it's a fact he can't deny. He's never deliberately tried to make her want him - he might have done it in the first few weeks if he hadn't been so wrapped up in his own self-destructive grief, and after that...well, he just hadn't, for whatever reason. He'd considered her so far beneath his notice that he hadn't even bothered to seduce her and throw her away like he had with Suzie and Gwen.

"Known what? I always reckoned that you just had some daft crush on me, you know, nothing more." Most of which involved some pretty impressive amounts of denial on his part, of refusing to believe that someone as intelligent as Tosh would be so monumentally stupid as to fall in love with him. "Figured it out, I dunno, sometime after the space whale." Not long at all, in the scheme of things.

[allthewonders]

She's not sure she's prepared to give him credit for that, not when he was still throwing her feelings in her face after his (first) resurrection - but it's beside the point anyway.

"That's not what I meant," she murmurs. "Not you and me. I meant - when you've been in love. Did you always know - why them? Did you need to know?"

[doctorweevil]

He'd known, and he'd used them against her, because he'd been hurt and scared, because he was the one who was too fucked up for anyone to love, because in the wake of the realisation that Tosh still loved a dead man, he'd been willing to stoop to whatever means necessary to drive her away. There's a number of reasons, none of which qualify as excuses. It's not his proudest moment, and today, he'd take the words back if he could.

He thinks of Katie; he'd been a different person then, but still surprised when he'd realised the depth of his feelings for her. She'd smiled at him one night after sex, her hair hanging in her face as she looked down and he'd realised he loved her. Later - years later - he'd realised he was more in love with the idea of someone thinking that he was worth loving, but what he'd felt was love all the same, and loving her (or, more accurately, losing her) had nearly killed him.
Diane had been something closer to love, the second person he'd allowed himself to love in his life, but for a different reason. He thought she needed him, and he wanted desperately for someone to need him - and then she hadn't after all. She'd left him with her scarf and a kiss to remember her by, and he'd been more lost than ever.

"I thought I did at the time," he admits finally. "Doesn't mean I was right about it." Besides, the women he loved weren't him. That's what he's asking, when it comes down to it.

[allthewonders]

Toshiko hums noncommittally. The silence draws out; the darkness makes it feel like it lasts longer than it does.

"If you can 'know' and be wrong," she ventures finally, "I think I can just...not know."

She feels entitled to that.